All my life, I was an approval addict. I needed to be liked, accepted (sounds pitiful to me now). As sad as this sounds, if I received any positive feedback about myself from others, I was satisfied and on Cloud 10 (not 9). For over a decade, I lost myself and my self-worth in comparison to what other people thought of me.
This is what I would tell my younger self: if you structure your life seeking validation from others [who don’t even know themselves], you will live in a state of confusion, chronic dissatisfaction and constant brokenness.
1. People are going to talk about you REGARDLESS!
…so you might as well live your BEST life! If you look good, people are going to talk about you. If you look bad, people are going to talk about you. If you do ANYTHING, people are going to talk about you. If you do NOTHING, people are going to talk about you. I had to learn to be okay with people talking about me positively or negatively; because in the end, what truly matters is the narrative I create for myself.
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2. ASK IT even if it seems like a dumb question.
I used to be afraid to ask questions that might appear obvious; if I did, I worried that others would think I was stupid. During an important staff meeting, I finally worked up the nerve to ask my “dumb” question (the one I really wanted answered). I not only got an explanation, but others also admitted they had been thinking the same thing but were too afraid to ask for the same reasons as I. That’s when I realized that nothing’s more stupid than faking comprehension and perfection.
3. Choose any other career besides teaching. It’s not respected.
I come from a family of teachers. Both of my parents were college professors. We had a chalkboard in my dad’s study that I would use to play teacher almost every day after school. I did not realize that I would become one.
Let me say that I am proud to be a teacher. If I hated my profession, I would not have stayed for 29 years. This next school year (2024–2025) will mark my 30th year of teaching. I didn’t say all of that “to toot my own horn.” I said all that to say that teaching back in the 90s was obviously so very different than teaching today — on so many levels and for so many reasons that did not exist back then.
It’s not a newsflash that teachers don’t get paid well. I don’t want to say that we don’t make any money. We make SOME. We have never received compensation for the multidimensional hats we wear. I could tirelessly go on and on and on about this subject matter, but my rant would turn into a 100-page dissertation.
Reeling it back in…if I could have seen then what I see now in 2024, I would have picked a different major...and not solely because of the money. This profession (and it is a profession) is one of the most disrespected professions in the career spectrum. Much of what is happening in the classrooms is not worth the money, the time, and the effort if it doesn’t engage students and foster meaningful learning.
Now if you feel like teaching is for you, then give it a go; but I’m talking to you about what I would tell MY younger, people-pleasing self.
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4. Date yourself. Learn to be alone.
Dating myself ?
Until a close friend mentioned it years down the road into my 40s, I had never heard of “solo dating,” and because it conflicted with my nature, I’d never done it — wouldn’t have even considered it.
Throughout my relationships, I had relied on the affection, stimulation and, yes, the validation from another human being to fuel my happiness.
I shuddered at the thought of going to dinner by myself, going to a movie alone, or even spending a Sunday solo. Again, I was concerned about how others might perceive me. Would I look pitiful or lonely to them? Would they be staring at and judging me?
As both painful and enlightening as it was, I had to learn to enjoy my own company; and BAYBEEEEE it was a long, arduous process. I was definitely uncomfortable with this practice; but through it all I realized that people will leave you, so learn to be alone.
Self-love is perhaps the most critical, most rewarding, and most difficult of all loves. It is essential to be able to delight in being alone before you can expect to share your life with someone else.
5. Trust your gut. It’s often right.
Everything looked good on paper and I was overjoyed to accept a job I thought was perfect for me. However, I did not have that calm feeling that usually follows when you do the right thing.
As a recent college grad in my early 20s, I was enthusiastic at the thought of getting my first real paycheck but anxious after an interview that didn’t feel right. I figured it was just “first job” jitters and brushed it off.
Six months into my new job, I was in a battle for my own sanity behind the work culture alone. It was a dreadful climate: unnecessarily high stress level, toxic people, and unrealistic expectations from an unprofessional, micromanaging supervisor--just to name a few. I hadn’t worked at that company for a year before I quit.
Looking back, I realized my gut had sensed the red flags about that job that I chose to ignore. Through various life experiences on my journey to mature adulthood, I FINALLY learned after several failed tests to recognize the feeling of that nudging in my core and to abide by it. My gut feeling hasn’t steered me wrong yet.
6. Don’t ever make a decision more important than a consequence.
When my ex-husband asked me to cosign for a loan on a GMC Yukon, I signed the papers without much thought. You already know where this is going.
I trusted him and figured he would keep up the monthly payments. I didn’t think twice about my decision because, well, he was my husband. We were in this thing together…and I was in love — Actually, I was young and dumb!
When he and I divorced a few years later, I found out that he had defaulted on the loan. Suddenly, I was now responsible for his debt that I could not afford on a teacher’s salary. Although I worked my ass off to pay off the loan, my 750 credit score took a major hit due to late fees. To add further insult to injury, I was paying for a vehicle that was in my name but not in my possession.
I lost sleep and spent countless hours in communication with creditors for years, trying to clean up his mess. It was nobody else’s fault but my own. My decision to help my ex overshadowed the potential fallout.
The lesson was clear and brutal: a decision is but for a split moment. The consequences that follow last so much longer. Never make a decision more important than the consequence.
It now seems to me, looking back on my path, that my personal issues started with my habit of looking outside myself for validation when, in retrospect, there was only one person whose approval mattered and she was standing right were I stood.
Thank goodness there are some things we learn only the hard way. I am happy to say that in these latter years, I am living the life I choose because I learned to trust myself, look after myself, take care of myself, and love myself. This is what self-care looks like, and self-care is not selfish.
I have learned to value my own voice over external validation and to trust my instincts even if they go against something that I deeply desire. Most importantly, I have discovered the profound strength in the significance of making thoughtful decisions that prioritize long-term well-being.
To my younger self and anyone else navigating similar struggles, please know that your self-worth does not come from others, and every decision you make should never go without weighing the odds of the potential outcome. In the end, living authentically and being true to yourself is what matters.
. . .
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